Running Myself Down with Guilt and Shame

the days have been hard! there is not a single day and a single moment when i do not think about the divorce case and whether whatever i am doing is the right thing or the wrong thing. on one hand i have known this person for the last thirty years – i have literally grown from a teenager to a middle aged woman in this relationship. and on the other hand, how impossible the situation is for me to stay in this marriage.

I know it is hard for anyone to go through divorce when it has not been initiated from his/her end. I also know how scary and how traumatic it is for anyone who goes through this; ask me about it. But, every day when i ask myself whether this was necessary, there are counter questions that come back to me and they are “how would you then like to live your life? in fear? in disgust? in anger? what kind of remainder of marriage would that be where you would be scared and lothsome of the other person? living in fear of your safety, your child’s safety; and above all, what about your dignity? will you be able to live with dignity in that relationship? will you be dignifying the other relationship”

the answer to all those are negative. i will not be able to live with my dignity, nor will i be dignifying the other person. the relationship has reached a stage(not just now, but about ten to fifteen years ago) where there is nothing left but fear, repulsion, loathing and mistrust, on both sides. the only way i had been living in that relationship was to blackmail myself by saying that “no one forced you into this relationship, you walked into it, it was your choice, and you have pay a price for your choice and your commitment.”

Today, despite all else, i still want him to be happy and healthy. i would like his well being, i would not want him to be harmed. i would want him to be stable and i know very well that with me around and with these kinds of stress between us, he will find it very difficult to be stable and happy.

everyday i face blackmail and guilt – from him and more importantly from my inner self. the messages that come are “How could you ………….?” and i cringe and back off and fall down … and repeat these questions to myself. and the answers are just the same, every day.

i know that guilt and blackmailing are going to be part of this process, more than anyone else, i would do it to myself … but then, i would also be there besides me to extend my hand and show the way to to her to get up the next day and live for one more day with her head held high!