Rant and Confusion

the man just called. and he has been calling some 10 to 12 times a day …. the whole purpose of the call today was to tell me that he is a biggie shot in society and that therefore he should not be called names by me …. I did not know whether i should laugh or to get angry.

in fact i should not even call him a man …in order to be a man, a person has to be a ‘man’ …. you know the kind who has self respect and sense of dignity …just like another ‘woman’ will have … and it is less to do with gender identity … it is more to do with dignity and self respect.

anyway, so here i was holding on the cellphone almost 6 inches away from my face, on a loudspeaker mode, when he kept on telling me how all of this divorce stuff is useless and how i should not do it.

that how regretful he was for abusing me, and for calling me whore and other names in front of our daughter who is 21 years old, and calling up all my business associates and slandering my name to them, and telling me how i have been whoring ever since i was 13 years old. all of these are being “regretted” because he was unwell and now that he is under medication, he is sorry. this is notwithstanding the fact that just yesterday (in his so called stable stage) he abused me and threatened me. “regretted” indeed …. that too from a ‘socially respectable person” … i am so MAD! so mad because i think this creature thinks i am still gullible and i know that i am gullible as somewhere deep inside me i still have expectation that this creature will understand the need for self respect for both him and for me and will stop calling me

but why the **** am i taking his calls? what the **** is wrong with me?

i know. i have a strong need to punish. punish the creature, punish my father who abandoned me and worse still became a parasite onto me; punish my mother for being so irresponsible and dying on me when i was 3 years old; punish the bastard who raped me systematically from age 13 to 15; punish, punish and punish!!

and alas! i know how useless all of these are … no punishment and no counter screaming/shouting/fights leave me in peace. when you grow up without having a mother, a absentee father and no siblings, you kind of become a little cold to yourself. you try to be all of that to yourself and end up being none of that … just you. that is who i am partly. but then …yipppeee…

there is so much to be thankful of:

• so many wonderful friends
• my beautiful, beautiful daughter … she has grown up to be such an adorable, sensible, intelligent, accomplished and a beautiful individual in her own right.
• special people in life who cares for me and love me unconditionally .. (well almost – complete unconditional love is a big myth)
• for being able to choose my areas of interest and work and enjoying every moment of both.
• for being me – a bundle of contradiction, full of energy, assertive, loving, compassionate, highly opinionated and confused.

so much to be grateful for. thank you!